First Love…..

“Don’t ever marry your first love….” This is a statement I heard a few days ago that I think will remain with me for a while.
The lady who said this is a friend of my older brother…she uttered this statement on one of her visits to my mums office. She married her first love…he did her so so so wrong. Can you imagine living in the same house with some-one you loved…love and not speaking to each other. (She lives upstairs and he stays downstairs whilst the children shuffle around) This man calls her by the name of other females… is sleeping with one of her friends (probably more than one). This arrant lack of respect on both their paths has led her to come to the conclusion that the relationship cannot be salvaged and divorce is the only option.
This caused me to think about my first “thing” (I’m not going to call it love cos I honestly don’t know) to say this boy showed me pepper is an understatement!!!! Funny thing is I didn’t even want to “go out” with this boy (lets call him Jake). We were friends but I never saw him as anything but that… but Jake was very persistent even getting people to talk to me on his behalf... Eventually I caved... for a while it was good… till it was bad….horrible infact this boy cheated on me ehn as in…even one of my friends that was putting in word on his behalf when I was resisting his advances was even one of his “conquests”. He would always come back…no matter where he went he always came back…he’d apologise, beg…I always caved I was in love… I had boys hollering at me from left right and centre (much better candidates sef) but it had to be him…he was all I saw...this boy was my first every thing…first kiss….first partner in body no be fire-wood activities, first break up, first….. It went on for so long…too long many more “friends” were conquered... More tears were shed... loads of apologies... it took all I had to let him go. But deep down I still haven’t completely… I think it’s because he was my first…or maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment… this leads me to a question that has been on my mind for a while: why can’t (most) women have sex without equating it with love? And are you really bound to your first partner in body no be fire wood activities? Cause if Jake popped up AGAIN and acted semi normal I am sure it would take a conscious effort not to fall back into that horrid cycle. The experience with my first wasn’t good neither was the lady’s… is this the norm? Is your first love your true one and only love & you both live happily ever after only in Disney cartoons and movies? Is it even right to call him my first love? did i even know what love was..is? is there an age limit on when one can fall in love?
Is there any truth in the statement made by the lady or is she just a scorned woman spewing anger?
Feck i need to stop...I may have just opened Pandora’s Box…. Not good for my idle mind….


Butterfly kixxes,
Technicolour Dreams

More than friends…

He kissed me…I liked it…. He kissed me again…. I didn’t pull back. I liked it! I wanted more... I wanted to ask him to stay, I didn’t.

I also didn’t say anything about it (I think I was in shock?) I just let him go…. As I watched him drive off, my mind starts running in circles (could have given Kenyan sprinters a run for their money). Awhile later he calls to tell me he’s home… I still don’t say anything… neither does he!

The thing is for as long as I can remember we have had a very flirtatious relationship… so I don’t know if this is just a grown up version of a game we have been playing for about 10 years... I did ask him about it but I said it in a jokey way and he agreed it was a “special goodbye” and that’s where we left it. My friend thinks he likes me. But I don’t know if he does! And the shitty thing is I actually care if he does!!!!!

It’s almost like I have been jazzed cos dude has just refused to leave my head o!! I now even have to make a conscious decision not to call/text too much… which is really weird cos he’s one of my “cool” peeps. But the thing is the flirting hasn’t stopped or reduced; normally this isn’t a problem but since the tongue bashing incident everything has taken on a different form… and its driving me insane!!!

However I don’t know if I’m reacting this way only because I’m unsure of what’s going on…or if I really am just SPRUNG!!!
Another issue is I honestly don’t know if taking our relationship across the line is the best thing…. I could gain a lover… but I could lose a friend… and I find it really hard to form such bonds with people so I cherish our friendship... but on the other hand what if taking it a step further is a plus and nothing is lost? What if it fucks things up?! I hate what ifs……


Question now is what do I do?

he walks through the door, a smile on his face...how far?....i smile...he says won't you give me a hug or aren't you happy to see me? if only he knew... i proceed to give him a hug. hug me well jo! he scolds i laugh as i hold him tighter... i am having dinner so we sit at the table..he takes the sit opposite mine...i can feel him watching me...i think nothing of it... we talk for hours about everything and nothing... at times i feel this energy this tension...i wonder does he feel it too? we are in my room...on the bed. joking and gisting.
i am asking him questions (having come to the conclusion that men are aliens i needed to try and see some things from a male perspective..) he's too close..i stand up, push somethings around on the dresser and sit on the opposite side of the bed.. i wonder if he notices that i'm moving away..but i can't...i don't trust myself. what has always been harmless flirting seems to be taking on a different form on my path.. i cannot LIKE him!! thats not part of the plan!!! as he moves closer i realise i do....
how can it be?! when did i begin to see him differently? what do i do......
so begins this journey.