he walks through the door, a smile on his face...how far?....i smile...he says won't you give me a hug or aren't you happy to see me? if only he knew... i proceed to give him a hug. hug me well jo! he scolds i laugh as i hold him tighter... i am having dinner so we sit at the table..he takes the sit opposite mine...i can feel him watching me...i think nothing of it... we talk for hours about everything and nothing... at times i feel this energy this tension...i wonder does he feel it too? we are in my room...on the bed. joking and gisting.
i am asking him questions (having come to the conclusion that men are aliens i needed to try and see some things from a male perspective..) he's too close..i stand up, push somethings around on the dresser and sit on the opposite side of the bed.. i wonder if he notices that i'm moving away..but i can't...i don't trust myself. what has always been harmless flirting seems to be taking on a different form on my path.. i cannot LIKE him!! thats not part of the plan!!! as he moves closer i realise i do....
how can it be?! when did i begin to see him differently? what do i do......
so begins this journey.

i sit here wondering where it went wrong..... you are my oldest friend.. so i called you my 'best friend' however, truth be told you are not and you never were. something a friend of a friend said comes to mind : just because you've known someone your whole life does not a friend make. this is something i see now. the things you did and said shocked me..i don't know why considering how you can be towards people..towards 'people'? yes but not towards me?

this has been a learning experience and despite the hurt i feel i am grateful to be able to see the relationship we have for what it really is. i have always known that I was my own best friend and not too depend or put too much faith in people because it is inevitable that they will let you down at one point or the other.. i am not saying i am the best friend i could possibly be. i might not return calls on time or i might want to be on my own more than most but i would NEVER treat you the way you treated me and this i know with all my heart!

its a shame that we are this close (physically) but yet SO far apart we might as well be in different countries.. i have so much on my mind..so much i am going through..so much i would like to share but you have made it clear that you are not interested. so I'll keep it inside, nod and smile like everything is alright.. but its not. cos if i could leave i would be gone in a heartbeat!
but i am going to be here for a while so til then its nods, smiles and meaningless conversations about everything but the things that are actually important.

x